Blasted Automatons

Greetings, it is I, Sir Thomas. Though... after my last post I have rather shunned that name. It has bad connotations with it now. If you don't know what I'm talking about... don't look for it. Don't want the video. Don't like, favourite and subscribe.

Sorry, I got a little off topic there. My mind is... reeling from the connotations of what I have witnessed. Metal men. Moving, screeching, angry metal men. They ripped and tore through everything in front of them, flesh and metal twisting beneath their cold palms as they bulldozed through buildings and people without a care or flicker of emotion. These... brutes, these terrible, unhuman husks of a gentleman, are upon us. But fear not. We have a select group of people to deal with these sorts of situations. We have men ready to give their lives for this cause. We have... the A-team.

Wait. The A-team are dead. Apparently there was a terrible mix-up with a movie crew, several large helicopters and the belief that you can throw money at anything and make it good. These robots run on piles of money. So... unfortunately this plan failed.

Instead, gentlemen, I have obtained six people who recently lost their jobs and will literally kill these monstrosities for food, the occasional refill of the canteen, and hats.

That's right. I'm talking about the TF2 mercenaries.

These... people... if you want to call them that, I'm fine with ragamuffins, but apparently they wish to be declared as 'people'... are willing to take out the approaching robot horde for very little money. In fact, you could almost call this free. In fact it is free. Everything about this fight is free. So... perhaps it shall be more entertaining to watch than we first anticipated.

They will be based in specific attack areas, in the throngs of the terrible horde of robots, and they shall be fighting off these hordes until they stand on top of a mountain of twisted metal. Or they lay snapped in half, screaming for mercy as robots tear their vital organs out and squeeze the biles into their eyes. Either way, it shall be a rather amusing bout of rough housing.

For those interested, the people organising these battles (known formally as Valve) have presented us with a bit of backstory and description of the abilities of these avengers of the human race. It can be found here. It contains descriptions of the mercenaries, their opponents, the upgrades available to them (if they chose to purchase some... and... you know... live) and the specific points in which they will be applauded for. It will be quite a fight, I assure you.

Those of you interested in taking part of a lucky "draw" for prizes, the admission is £0.99. A measly sum, I think you'll agree. It might be a bit addictive though, I advise caution against spending all of your money on the tickets. For those interested, here is a link to their Frequently Asked Questions about the prizes and the draw.

I know I will be participating with my friends in this wonderful sport... Or... fight for the human race, which ever this is. I just hope that my long string of losing bets has finally ended. I would hate to lose even more money on such adventures... Then again, if I lose, then humanity has lost as well. Perhaps a lack of money wouldn't be my worst problem.

Good Day, my friends.

I thought it couldn't get better...

Sir Thomas, get it right, and get it done quick.

A really expedient update from myself, merely because I am waiting for the servers to load on TF2. No. Seriously. Don't leave. I know I repeated myself, I know my last post was about this, but this is a serious mortar shell that went off under the floor boards.

By now you've seen the Meet the Pyro video. If you haven't, may I direct your mouse over towards the link just there? It is rather necessary for this web log to make sense. Click it. I won't wait, you'll have to catch up.

Now, seen it? Good. You know that land of wonderment and joy that the Pyro sees every day? You know the sweet lollipops and baloonicorns that line every street and destroyed corpse? Well, good news, you can play there.

Pick your jaw up from boot level before I scrape some muck off on it. You put one goggles, on ANY character, and the animation turns to... well... what you saw in the video. I don't know how exact the transformation was, they definitely had enough time to pull it off, and the server still hasn't connected. But I advise everyone, everywhere, to start playing as soon as possible. Because if you don't play before the 5th of July, you won't get your pair of free Balloonicorn goggles. And you don't want that to happen do you?

Here's the Pyroland page. Go there and just... marvel at the sheer nerve of Valve. I am uncertain what fever dream they fell into to even consider something of this magnitude... but no matter the crippling brain scarring, it was worth it.

Good day, my friend.

Salutations are in Order!

Greetings once again, it is I, Sir Thomas. You all know my name by now, and I am astounded that none of you are yet to actually use it.

Now, today I was informed of a wonderful occurrence. Team Fortress 2, a first-person-massive-online-multiplayer-shooty-game-type-thing has uploaded the latest and final "Meet the Team" video. What is "Meet the Team" you ask? Well I'll tell you, but you really should say "please" when making an inquiry from your betters.

Meet the Team is a series of videos where those wonderful mischief makers at Valve show you a little more about the unique and frankly appealing characters of TF2. Each class is a specific character model, and they treat these characters as people with completely different and sometimes rather disturbing personalities. The only problem is, this isn't a story based game, it's an online multiplayer.

So, to give these characters some more depth they add certain... differences to the reactions they have as you play.  The scout's mocking laughter and loud personality clashes greatly with the quiet confidence and soft spoken insults of the sniper. This wasn't enough though. They needed cutscenes about the characters. But they couldn't stick them in game, there was no place for them. So they decided to make the videos separate. They created the "Meet the Team" series.

The last one, the latest one, is about the most mysterious character in the game. A character who shows no flesh at all, who speaks in such muffled tones it is almost impossible to understand him... or her... or it. The Pyro.

Dear God in his mighty heaven above what did I just WATCH? This is some kind of abomination upon science, or psychology, or perhaps both! This reveals nothing, but everything about this character, and I'm terrified but intrigued as to how this... thing came into being. Is it a man? A woman? A little girl in a suit? An Alien? A robot? It says nothing, but we see the world through the Pyro's eyes for the first time, and I, personally, am terrified of this character now.

What can I say but... insanity. Pure insanity. Or... perhaps trickery. You might notice, when the camera is zoomed in on the Pyro's face, some words on his... her... it's mask. "Optical Mask". With more writing beneath it. Could it be, the Pyro is in fact, not exactly insane? Merely... innocent? A character of innocence that throws itself upon the enemy without fear because it believes nothing in this world can hurt it, because it cannot take that mask off itself? I smell something in the air, and that is the smell of the words "Property of Aperture Science" stamped across mask rubber.

Another troubling detail... at the beginning, with interviews of the Heavy and Scout and Spy, all scared stiff of the Pyro... they are RED team members. The Pyro's OWN team members. The Scout physically runs away from his own team member.

I need to go play Team Fortress 2 some more. It's free. Anyone and everyone can download it. I suggest they do. I shall be the one with a flamethrower and complete lack of control.

Here is a link to the Team Fortress 2 youtube page, for those who want to  view all of the available Meet the Team videos. I suggest they do, if not for the comedy, then for the interesting psychological character studies.

Good day, my friends.