My Hand Has Been Forced

Greetings, I am Sir Thomas, though for once I do not wish you to remember my name. I am about to ruin your faith in humanity.

Fanfictions have existed since stories first began, and these days, with the multiple electronic devices available and the massive data sharing ability of the internet, it has gotten easier and easier to share your strange fantasies involving the cast of Power Rangers and Watership Down having a fight to the death over who gets to win Princess Daisy's hand in marriage. Before you search for that, I have a much worse one for you to ponder over.

I was going to save this until it was absolutely necessary. I was pushing the web log further and further back until I could find something else to write about, anything to write about. With every single one of our submitters missing yesterday, and with little movement today, I find that I am... forced... to reveal this to you. Ladies and Gentlemen, if this is the only submission today, you will no doubt be glad of that fact. I present to you, the worst Fanfiction ever written.

I present to you... My Immortal.

Lets get this straight. The video, that video that I just linked on this website, is not the worst thing in the entire world. No, the worst thing in the entire world, in the entire existence of the internet, is the written transcription of the Fanfiction.

This piece of writing is so bad, so absolutely appalling, that fanfiction.net demanded it should be removed from the site because it wasn't "up to the standards" of the website. This is fanfiction.net! They have made an entire website about hosting the strangest, most disturbing, and worst written literature of the internet. Sure, there are a few gems in there, some actually interesting things, but the majority of it is slurry.

Let us do some character profiling shall we? Not of the characters in the story, they are one dimensional author inserts with an obsession with Satan (or... Satin, depending on the spelling), I mean the woman who posted this. Tara Gelesbie.

This girl... this... strange... troubled girl... decided to one day write a Fanfiction. What did she decide to write it about? Not something she loves, not something she knows anything about really, she decided to write it about the Harry Potter Universe because, for all intents and purposes, the boys were pretty. Seriously. She saw the film, she barely got a grasp of the characters, but she knew who she wanted to sleep with. The answer was everyone. So she took the characters and she messed with them. She just... twisted and ruined them until they were what she wanted, and what she wanted was a bunch of Satan worshiping, over emotional vampires. But, you know what, this is Fanfiction. I could allow that, I could let this slide as a merely terrible Fanfiction, if it wasn't for her Author Notes. It is here that we see just how twisted her mentality was.

She constantly seeks self-assurance, to the point where she labels anyone who disagrees with her, or does not like her work, under one name: "Preps" She does not once imagine that her Masterpiece could possibly be tripe, a horrible collection of misspellings and terribly written sex scenes, butchered characters and violated grammar... No, anyone who doesn't like it is a Prep, and they don't like her because she's "Goffik". Her need to be constantly placated with soft (false) coos of praise even pushes as far as demanding good reviews or she would stop writing; at this point she was an internet sensation, people hated her, and they loved to hate her, so they kept feeding her... and it just... kept getting worse. I have never made it all the way through this... literary abortion, but I have heard bits and pieces... in the story, and the author notes themselves, there are hints of incest, paedophilia, satanism, self-harm, murder, suicide, plot holes, even bigger plot holes, accidental censoring, time travel, Good Charlotte, Vampires and the most painful use of the English Language I have ever seen.

There are 44 chapters, with author notes included, linked in the website above. It even has a video page, for... more physical torture. And... you know what? If this web log, this very one, gets enough hits, enough people posting their... support of the idea... I will read this. I will record myself reading this out loud, and I will no doubt record myself losing all hope in humanity part way through. I will do voices. I will do this pile of absolute effluence justice. And I will stick it up on here, for people to watch.

Good lord I can't believe I just said that.

Good day, my friends.